OCD, Theft of Joy
Mar. 24th, 2026 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
purplehello98Heads up in case you don't wanna read about this stuff, but this post is gonna talk about matters of religion (specifically Christianity) as well as OCD and other mental health struggles! To read on, clickity click the cut!
The past several days have been really hard for me. When I posted last Wednesday I was back on my ADHD meds after not taking them for a while, and I didn't realize that my body, not being used to them anymore, would be much more affected by them. That included during the day, when I was on top of everything, and then when I crashed in the evening. I crashed hard. I have OCD, in case you didn't know, and I guess at this point it was concentrating on religious beliefs. I'm a Christian---despite my being trans, or maybe because of it---and so because of that crash, I started obsessively and uncontrollably questioning my beliefs about literally everything about how existence works. So basically an Extra-Large Existential Crisis. Now, questioning your beliefs is not bad in moderation---I'd say even most religious people would agree, at least in the circles I operate in. Critical thinking leads us to a much deeper understanding of the universe, whatever belief we end up taking. But, of course, this isn't what OCD does. So I ended up questioning everything unstoppably---even when I reached satisfactory explanations of things in my rational brain, my OCD kept nagging at me trying to make me prove everything. Which is kind of the thing with any religion: you can't 100% prove anything for sure. It's called faith for a reason.
And I think this is one of the things I hate about OCD. It presents itself, at least in my mind, as being "rational", "reasonable" or "logical". But, even if it uses logic and reason as its tools, it's not those things. OCD pushes everything way further than makes sense and doesn't allow for any, even reasonable, leap of faith where even most rational-minded scientists might allow one. OCD has reared its ugly head in other aspects of my life as well: for example, for a while I seriously questions if Grey even loved me or wanted to be with me, despite his consistently telling me so and being actively affectionate and basically the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. Eventually, it thankfully moved on---which is another thing! For me, my OCD is always hounding me about something. If it's not my religion, it's my relationship; if it's not my relationship, it's the fear that X or Y person (celebrity or real) could be a terrible person; if not that, it's that my friends all hate me; if not that, then it's blah blah blah, and so on and so forth. It never lets up, and whenever it stops hounding me about one thing, before long it moves on to the next.
All this put me into a real depressive episode that lasted until the past two or three days, and even then I'm still working on coming out on the other side and rebuilding myself. Even though I knew it was just my OCD and my Vyvanse-induced dopamine crash speaking, it still shattered my worldview on Wednesday night and I'm still putting the pieces back together and getting back to my normal, happy, optimistic self. I only hope and pray that I get back there soon.
The past several days have been really hard for me. When I posted last Wednesday I was back on my ADHD meds after not taking them for a while, and I didn't realize that my body, not being used to them anymore, would be much more affected by them. That included during the day, when I was on top of everything, and then when I crashed in the evening. I crashed hard. I have OCD, in case you didn't know, and I guess at this point it was concentrating on religious beliefs. I'm a Christian---despite my being trans, or maybe because of it---and so because of that crash, I started obsessively and uncontrollably questioning my beliefs about literally everything about how existence works. So basically an Extra-Large Existential Crisis. Now, questioning your beliefs is not bad in moderation---I'd say even most religious people would agree, at least in the circles I operate in. Critical thinking leads us to a much deeper understanding of the universe, whatever belief we end up taking. But, of course, this isn't what OCD does. So I ended up questioning everything unstoppably---even when I reached satisfactory explanations of things in my rational brain, my OCD kept nagging at me trying to make me prove everything. Which is kind of the thing with any religion: you can't 100% prove anything for sure. It's called faith for a reason.
And I think this is one of the things I hate about OCD. It presents itself, at least in my mind, as being "rational", "reasonable" or "logical". But, even if it uses logic and reason as its tools, it's not those things. OCD pushes everything way further than makes sense and doesn't allow for any, even reasonable, leap of faith where even most rational-minded scientists might allow one. OCD has reared its ugly head in other aspects of my life as well: for example, for a while I seriously questions if Grey even loved me or wanted to be with me, despite his consistently telling me so and being actively affectionate and basically the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. Eventually, it thankfully moved on---which is another thing! For me, my OCD is always hounding me about something. If it's not my religion, it's my relationship; if it's not my relationship, it's the fear that X or Y person (celebrity or real) could be a terrible person; if not that, it's that my friends all hate me; if not that, then it's blah blah blah, and so on and so forth. It never lets up, and whenever it stops hounding me about one thing, before long it moves on to the next.
All this put me into a real depressive episode that lasted until the past two or three days, and even then I'm still working on coming out on the other side and rebuilding myself. Even though I knew it was just my OCD and my Vyvanse-induced dopamine crash speaking, it still shattered my worldview on Wednesday night and I'm still putting the pieces back together and getting back to my normal, happy, optimistic self. I only hope and pray that I get back there soon.
