Ghostbuster
Jul. 13th, 2025 08:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
purplehello98Well, I honestly can't even remember last week because it seems really distant. This week's been a bit of a mess, to be honest. It feels kind of weird being this open about my personal life on here, but it just feels right, I guess. I had kind of danced around it in some earlier posts, because I didn't want to be premature, and I guess for good reason. I've been talking to this guy for several weeks now that I met on my trip to Korea. Or a bit after it, to be exact. I had to take my iPhone to Korea because my flip phone didn't work, and remembered whilst we were there that I had downloaded Hinge because I was bored back in fall.
Well, I opened it up again and set my location to Korea to see what it was like abroad, and this guy ended up liking me after I got back and forgot to set my location back to America. He was super understanding about me being trans, and even more so when I opened up about how I can come on a little strong in relationships but can also be scared of getting close to people emotionally. He was really cool and I really liked him, and he really liked me too. Not to over-idealize, but he really ticked just about every box. He was handsome, knew some of my K-pop (and was okay with my K-pop mania), he was intelligent and kind and funny, he even helped out at his church, for Heaven's sake! (Pun intended.) We'd text a lot and video call when we could, and it was great. He was the first guy I opened up to in a long time, and he kept telling me "as long as you feel safe and comfortable". And I did.
Well, a few days ago, I decided I had had enough of dancing around it all--because there was, or at least I felt like there was, a lot of hinting, and I told him "I really like you" outright. He said he really liked me too, and then I asked him where we were going to go from there. I worried that it might be too soon to be "official" or "exclusive" or whatever but I asked him what we were and if he wanted to be more. He said that we were "gang gang" and "tight", and when I asked for a real answer, he blocked me. Just like that.
I have a history of taking things too quickly with relationships in the past, but I really thought I was being better than that this time. I've been starting to work through my attachment issues or whatever, and I felt like I had a chance at a real, healthy relationship with him. Was I coming on too strongly? Maybe I was, maybe I was still rushing in too quickly. But at the same time, it feels so weird that this guy, who had been all understanding and emotionally intelligent, suddenly cut me off. It felt... wrong, like I had the rug pulled out from under me. My friends tell me that if he's willing to just block me all of a sudden instead of having an actual conversation, that he's not worth it. I agree, but part of me feels like... maybe if we had been calling or in the same room instead of texting, he would have had to give me an answer. I don't know how to feel.
It really took a lot out of me, and I spent two days doing absolutely nothing. He and I only knew each other a month, but I still grew to care about him, to really like him, in a more serious, real way than my fourteen-year-old self's attempts at dating. There's still a little part of me that hopes it was all some great misunderstanding, even though I know that's not true. And now a lot of things remind me of him--only a month and we already managed to have our little in-jokes. Spicy food, for one. And now I can't think of anime or the gym without thinking of him.
And honestly, I feel like he had been trying to distance himself from me earlier. He used the whole "I'm busy with work so we can't call" thing, but we still texted a lot. I'm not sure. I just really hope I didn't do anything--but I really need to stop blaming myself. I don't think it's healthy.
I really regret that it ended like that. I'm mad at him, but I can't stay mad. Even though he hurt me a lot more tangibly than, say, my annoying roommates last year, I can't stay mad for some reason. And so if you're reading this, Josh, I hope you're happy and I hope you can learn and be better to girls in the future--be willing to have the hard conversations you need to have. And I hope and pray I can find someone better soon, who'll be truly happy to be with me and with whom I'll be truly happy.
Well, I opened it up again and set my location to Korea to see what it was like abroad, and this guy ended up liking me after I got back and forgot to set my location back to America. He was super understanding about me being trans, and even more so when I opened up about how I can come on a little strong in relationships but can also be scared of getting close to people emotionally. He was really cool and I really liked him, and he really liked me too. Not to over-idealize, but he really ticked just about every box. He was handsome, knew some of my K-pop (and was okay with my K-pop mania), he was intelligent and kind and funny, he even helped out at his church, for Heaven's sake! (Pun intended.) We'd text a lot and video call when we could, and it was great. He was the first guy I opened up to in a long time, and he kept telling me "as long as you feel safe and comfortable". And I did.
Well, a few days ago, I decided I had had enough of dancing around it all--because there was, or at least I felt like there was, a lot of hinting, and I told him "I really like you" outright. He said he really liked me too, and then I asked him where we were going to go from there. I worried that it might be too soon to be "official" or "exclusive" or whatever but I asked him what we were and if he wanted to be more. He said that we were "gang gang" and "tight", and when I asked for a real answer, he blocked me. Just like that.
I have a history of taking things too quickly with relationships in the past, but I really thought I was being better than that this time. I've been starting to work through my attachment issues or whatever, and I felt like I had a chance at a real, healthy relationship with him. Was I coming on too strongly? Maybe I was, maybe I was still rushing in too quickly. But at the same time, it feels so weird that this guy, who had been all understanding and emotionally intelligent, suddenly cut me off. It felt... wrong, like I had the rug pulled out from under me. My friends tell me that if he's willing to just block me all of a sudden instead of having an actual conversation, that he's not worth it. I agree, but part of me feels like... maybe if we had been calling or in the same room instead of texting, he would have had to give me an answer. I don't know how to feel.
It really took a lot out of me, and I spent two days doing absolutely nothing. He and I only knew each other a month, but I still grew to care about him, to really like him, in a more serious, real way than my fourteen-year-old self's attempts at dating. There's still a little part of me that hopes it was all some great misunderstanding, even though I know that's not true. And now a lot of things remind me of him--only a month and we already managed to have our little in-jokes. Spicy food, for one. And now I can't think of anime or the gym without thinking of him.
And honestly, I feel like he had been trying to distance himself from me earlier. He used the whole "I'm busy with work so we can't call" thing, but we still texted a lot. I'm not sure. I just really hope I didn't do anything--but I really need to stop blaming myself. I don't think it's healthy.
I really regret that it ended like that. I'm mad at him, but I can't stay mad. Even though he hurt me a lot more tangibly than, say, my annoying roommates last year, I can't stay mad for some reason. And so if you're reading this, Josh, I hope you're happy and I hope you can learn and be better to girls in the future--be willing to have the hard conversations you need to have. And I hope and pray I can find someone better soon, who'll be truly happy to be with me and with whom I'll be truly happy.
