PurpleHello98

Well, I accidentally hit the back button when I was almost through writing this entry, and the computer ate my entry. Bugger it all!

I've had quite a busy couple of days! Sunday the guy I've been seeing came up to visit. We watched Vine compilations on the TV all afternoon, slow danced a little and then went out to eat in the evening! It was amazing. :) Although I forgot how much fat steak has! It seems like a bit of a waste of money honestly.

Yesterday I was busy as hell from morning till night, and of course I had a bunch of laundry to do in the evening, which meant I was up until 1 AM. But I will be going to bed earlier tonight! I also popped over to the post office to mail Blue a letter, which was a nice errand! Although it's become really windy the past few days, and as someone with long-ish hair and bangs, it's less-than-ideal, although somehow through it all my hair has managed to look good!

Today's also been relatively busy. I wasn't able to get much done, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays I have a lot of classes and such, and so I didn't have a lot of free time when you consider that I also had to get my homework done. But at least I'll be able to relax some before bed! I also had a study session tonight with the TA for my linguistics class and we had some fun banter. It was really funny although I felt on occasion like it was too much, but she disagreed.

That's really it, I suppose. For such a jam-packed few days, you'd think I'd have more to talk about, but I guess you'd be wrong. Toodles!

I feel like this week I'm trapped in a vicious cycle. I'm tired, which exacerbates my ADHD symptoms, which means I can't do anything, which makes me stressed, which keeps my mind racing so I can't really sleep. Repeat ad nauseam, or in my case, ad insanitum. Yesterday I was awake from 4:30 to 7:30 (I think I might have been too anxious about homework) and had to skip my morning classes, I was so exhausted. I slept in and still only ended up with 8 hours of sleep. Last night I went to sleep find at a normal time but now I've been awake since about 4. (As has my roommate. When they talked about cycles syncing up, I didn't know they meant sleep cycles...)

And I've been busy without a break this week. The freshmen's activities fair was earlier in the week, which meant that I had to sit at a table advertising the K-Pop Club for hours. That was also coincidentally the day I was starting my ADHD meds, and so I had palpatations and I was just kind of in a weird state. The voices in my head were finally shutting up--now if only they could shut up at night!

I feel like I tend to go through cycles of insomnia. I had a little this summer, i think, but not too bed. Before that, summer 2022 and summer 2020 were pretty bad. So hopefully it'll just fix itself with time.

I haven't had my meds since the day I had palpatations, but I'll try it again today. Who knows? Maybe it'll work a bit better. In any case, I have a psychiatrist's appointment next week so hopefully she can clarify all this.

It really feels a bit like I've been hit by a truck this week, as an acquaintance put it last night. But I suppose I'll have to soldier on and try and get my work done at a semi-adequate level. I have to take a quiz I missed yesterday when I skipped English, but luckily it's open-note. Now I just need to... take notes.

Does anyone have any tips? This freaking sucks and I'm kind of just done now. Agh!! Maybe I need to start working out. Only I hate working out and it makes me deeply uncomfortable. And I kind of feel lethargic just typing this right now... probably just a walk would suffice to start with. I'm going home for the weekend, anyway, so I could take a walk around the trail in my neighbourhood. Now that's something I'd love to have here. But I go to college in the dinkiest little town, so no go. I have one or two non-shady blocks of town and a tiny campus to walk around, unless I fancy crossing the Street with a Traffic Light and going to Wal-Mart. Which I don't, because it's something like two miles away and still an hour's walk. And it's Wal-Mart

Well, it's off to go slog through some homework so hopefully I don't have to stress about it this weekend. God help me.

My fellow Dreamwidther lovelyangel put it well, saying that she feels besieged. I never realized what my current feeling was! But no, my room has been suffering, for one. I'm working extra hours this week, mostly four-hour shifts, five days straight, because apparently I'm the only evening cashier that didn't ask for this coming weekend off. Which is unfortunate, because my supervisor told me about that just as I was about to ask for that weekend off. I had four days in a row off last weekend--Saturday through Tuesday--but I only had one day--Monday--where I didn't have stuff to do all day, and even then I somehow ended up going out to run errands with my mum.

Saturday I did a defensive driving class in a town nearby. The local police department/highway whatever was running the show and we were using their track, but it was on some sort of military base, so we had to go through security and all! It was really freaky. But now I can say I've been on a military base! Basically, it was teaching us panic braking, how to react if we spin out on ice, etc. Fun but tiring, especially given the fact that it's stupidly hot. If anyone reading this lives up north where it's not that hot--APPRECIATE IT!

Sunday, Blue and I hung out and honestly I can't remember what else happened! I want to say we watched a movie but I can't remember which one.

Monday, I did errands and worked some on thinning out the clothes in my closet, since I have way too many.

Tuesday, after the library, my mum and I had a quick lunch at home and then Blue came over! We watched The Beautician and the Beast--a really good movie! And then we played Wii Music and swiped on my dating apps together--but the dating thing is a story for another time.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get on HRT and on ADHD meds as soon as I can, I have to work a lot, I have to figure out when to hang out with my friends (which is like putting a damn jigsaw puzzle together with all our schedules), and I have to get my room in good shape, thin out my closet, and start packing and buying textbooks for school. AGH! I need a few days to crash out, honestly. I thought summer was supposed to be relaxing! But I can never get in bed until near midnight and so I'm tired all the time. I think I might have to work less next summer... Oh, and I'm also trying to coordinate my study abroad, which I really want to do, but I haven't done my application yet because of time! Maybe I work on that this afternoon--if I have time. Or maybe I just veg out and/or nap. God knows I need it.

Okay, just a bit of dating--some guy came through my till last night to ask me out! He just asked if I wanted to go out for coffee--I guess he found my cute and asked me out on a whim. I've never actually been asked out before! Well, I'm talking to this guy on-line and we've agreed that when I'm in his city we're going to go on a date. Which brings me to my next thing--I'm talking to too many guys--it's overwhelming! But I think I have a better crop than last time this happened, at least. Still, even if most of them are nice, I just... don't find most of them all that attractive? Maybe I'll have better luck when I'm abroad and hopefully in a big city. This small-town lack of options is not cutting it for someone whose dating pool is already small to begin with since I'm trans.

So yes, I'm quite besieged. God grant me a better week next week--and a heck of a lot more rest!

Well, I honestly can't even remember last week because it seems really distant. This week's been a bit of a mess, to be honest. It feels kind of weird being this open about my personal life on here, but it just feels right, I guess. I had kind of danced around it in some earlier posts, because I didn't want to be premature, and I guess for good reason. I've been talking to this guy for several weeks now that I met on my trip to Korea. Or a bit after it, to be exact. I had to take my iPhone to Korea because my flip phone didn't work, and remembered whilst we were there that I had downloaded Hinge because I was bored back in fall.

Well, I opened it up again and set my location to Korea to see what it was like abroad, and this guy ended up liking me after I got back and forgot to set my location back to America. He was super understanding about me being trans, and even more so when I opened up about how I can come on a little strong in relationships but can also be scared of getting close to people emotionally. He was really cool and I really liked him, and he really liked me too. Not to over-idealize, but he really ticked just about every box. He was handsome, knew some of my K-pop (and was okay with my K-pop mania), he was intelligent and kind and funny, he even helped out at his church, for Heaven's sake! (Pun intended.) We'd text a lot and video call when we could, and it was great. He was the first guy I opened up to in a long time, and he kept telling me "as long as you feel safe and comfortable". And I did.

Well, a few days ago, I decided I had had enough of dancing around it all--because there was, or at least I felt like there was, a lot of hinting, and I told him "I really like you" outright. He said he really liked me too, and then I asked him where we were going to go from there. I worried that it might be too soon to be "official" or "exclusive" or whatever but I asked him what we were and if he wanted to be more. He said that we were "gang gang" and "tight", and when I asked for a real answer, he blocked me. Just like that.

I have a history of taking things too quickly with relationships in the past, but I really thought I was being better than that this time. I've been starting to work through my attachment issues or whatever, and I felt like I had a chance at a real, healthy relationship with him. Was I coming on too strongly? Maybe I was, maybe I was still rushing in too quickly. But at the same time, it feels so weird that this guy, who had been all understanding and emotionally intelligent, suddenly cut me off. It felt... wrong, like I had the rug pulled out from under me. My friends tell me that if he's willing to just block me all of a sudden instead of having an actual conversation, that he's not worth it. I agree, but part of me feels like... maybe if we had been calling or in the same room instead of texting, he would have had to give me an answer. I don't know how to feel.

It really took a lot out of me, and I spent two days doing absolutely nothing. He and I only knew each other a month, but I still grew to care about him, to really like him, in a more serious, real way than my fourteen-year-old self's attempts at dating. There's still a little part of me that hopes it was all some great misunderstanding, even though I know that's not true. And now a lot of things remind me of him--only a month and we already managed to have our little in-jokes. Spicy food, for one. And now I can't think of anime or the gym without thinking of him.

And honestly, I feel like he had been trying to distance himself from me earlier. He used the whole "I'm busy with work so we can't call" thing, but we still texted a lot. I'm not sure. I just really hope I didn't do anything--but I really need to stop blaming myself. I don't think it's healthy.

I really regret that it ended like that. I'm mad at him, but I can't stay mad. Even though he hurt me a lot more tangibly than, say, my annoying roommates last year, I can't stay mad for some reason. And so if you're reading this, Josh, I hope you're happy and I hope you can learn and be better to girls in the future--be willing to have the hard conversations you need to have. And I hope and pray I can find someone better soon, who'll be truly happy to be with me and with whom I'll be truly happy.

Things are busy and bustling around here, while at the same time more dead. For some reason, a lot of my friends are leaving early for Easter weekend and making themselves a long weekend, so only a couple of my friends are going to be on campus after today and I won't have many people to hang out with. Which is probably for the better, as I'm very busy. I've still got to finish an English essay for hopefully tomorrow, but before I worry about that I have computer science homework (which really should've stayed a hobby!) and a French assignment.

Which, by the way, sent me on a wild goose chase for about 45 minutes last night because I thought one question was about a different poem than it was, because my professor's headers on his assignments kind of blend together. So what should've been a simple question I remember the answer too off the top of my head turned into a 45-minute expedition through the entire French and English Internets to figure out what "traditional/canonical form" "Au lecteur" by Baudelaire is. (Hint: none. "Correspondances", on the other hand, is a sonnet.)

Hence why I say "agh!". Well, I have an hour before French class, so I should at least try and get something done this morning, I reckon.

Okay, so normally I should be asleep right now, but knowing today that wasn't going to happen. And anyhow, I think right now I just need to blog to let off some steam. I'd write in my diary, but my roommate made me turn out the light, so yeah. And anywho, maybe I need to cool off before I write there. But ironically, this blog feels more informal and stream-of-consciousnessy, I guess? I wonder what it would be like for someone to compare my blog and diary to each other.

Well, anyway I've had a sucky day. And I've been stressed the past few days and I don't even know why, but that's a separate thing. I've had some weird stomachache on and off a bit the past few days, but it was really bad today to the point that I had to stay home from my afternoon classes. And I couldn't really do anything, and I was just kind of suffering. I honestly think my tea I got this morning---I like to get breakfast and tea from a local café every Monday morning---might've been part of it somehow. That was not good tea. Well anyway, I was in pain and miserable all day, and I finally get to feeling a bit better and going to a meeting of a kind of underground/unofficial k-pop club at my college. Tonight we were going to sit around and make bracelets and chit-chat, and I spent most of two hours searching through the beads to find the letters I needed to make a "Verivery" bracelet in their fandom colours. And then I f-cking lost the bracelet! So yeah, it's been a treat.

I just hope and pray tomorrow's better! And that's not getting into the rest of the drama that's happened since my last post, some of which I literally don't think I can recount on here because it's too insane for the Internet (and also I'm not sure if I should be recounting that specific stuff anyways for personal, or rather interpersonal, reasons). And I hope to be free enough to work some more on the site soon! I love y'all. Talk to y'all soon! :)

I swear, the last two weeks before spring break just drag on and on! I can't wait to finally get a break from school and rest. If only I could spend the whole first day of spring break sleeping!

Anyways, today in Latin class, we did bingo. Personally, I won some laffy taffy and Hershey's kisses (lava cake - yum!), as well as two small spikey balls, one orange and one grey, which I named after the main characters from the story I'm currently writing. Also, today and yesterday, I've been watching quite a bit of Sarah Millican, who is an English comedian if you don't know. Anyway, her stuff is super funny! Also, it's been raining a ton over the past few days, which has been amazing! Sadly, it's supposed to become sunny again on Friday, so I'll have to enjoy the rain while it lasts.

Also, the Grammys were the other day. (I think, the days have all been blending together for the past year!) I honestly wish BTS would've won the award they were nominated for, though Rain On Me is a good song of course. My biggest issue, however, with the Grammys is that somehow Justin Timberlake has been nominated for 39 Grammys and won 10, while Britney has been nominated for ten and has only won one. Being the huge Britney fan that I am, I'm quite aggravated at this, especially considering that Britney is the Princess of Pop, while Justin Timberlake's first big hit (that I'm aware of), Cry Me A River, was literally airing his dirty laundry with Britney in a hurtful way in the public when (according to Britney's sister Jamie Lynn) "he cheated first".

I do not want to go back to school. Thankfully spring break is only a couple weeks away! But yeah, I'm really tired of school at this point. Also, I want to bake some French bread and some oven-roasted potato wedges, both of those are so delicious!

 

Last night it also snowed quite a bit, and the public schools around me all closed, yet for some unknown idiotic reason, my school is still open. PLUS I have an algebra test today and I still have a cold. At this point I kind of think that my school just wants us students to suffer and nothing else. D: