PurpleHello98

So I don't know whether or not my attempt at being clever and having a play on words worked in the title but it's kind of true. I've been struggling with homework recently. By the grace of God, I've been able to spend tonight and last night watching YouTube and doing nothing, but it doesn't even feel like relaxing as much as it feels like crashing. Although part of that is because I've not been able to start until late. Tonight I was walking back from dinner with a friend and saw some people I know and this girl started talking my ear off. She's a good acquaintance and I like talking to her and all, but it was just not the right time, but I couldn't seem to get away. I can ramble too, but it was just annoying.

I can't wait for study abroad. I want to get away sometimes, you know? This weird love triangle that I've been in is stressing me the hell out. I feel this constant pressure to choose one of the two guys but I'm not ready to choose yet, but it feels like this impending doom and pressure. I don't know what the hell to do.

I'm so busy and every weekend being taken up by something or other is not helping! This weekend I'm going to my hometown and see Ink, my theatre friend from high school, be in a play production! I'm going with one of the guys. He's so sweet and I feel like i don't deserve him, which makes it worse that I'm not sure if I want to be with him or the other guy, or maybe neither. I don't know what I feel!!

I manage to have good times, of course, but really, I'm just so tired and busy! And I have a four-day weekend next weekend but I'm going to visit Blue. I'm really excited! Although I also want to take off a couple of days afterward to just rest. I wish it were a week-long break! But the weekend after that I'm going to spend at least one day not leaving the house. I am not going anywhere that weekend!! God help me to not be a pushover and to stick to that!

I got a new Mac mini (and by new I mean a 2009 model) that I put a photocard of Minchan from Verivery (in a photocard stand) on so now it's called Minchan! And it's running XP now. Which is what I'm blogging from right now!

Maybe I'll be better able to relax tomorrow if I don't watch YouTube and instead I just read or surf the Net or watch TV, etc. I find those activities are most relaxing after a long day or work. But it's been so long since I had a nice YouTube and crochet (or game) night! But I'm not even really motivated to game anymore, at least at the moment. And I always do maybe one row of crocheting and then my ADHD takes opposite effect and I concentrate on the video, and then I get distracted. Same with TV and crochet nights. Agh!!

So anyways I'm in this whole debacle right now. I can't wait for all of this to be over. Agh!

(Blogger's note: this entry was slightly tweaked a while after I first posted it.)

Well, last night was my last shift of the summer! I worked a solid seven hours, longer than I'd worked quite a while, and all of my favourite coworkers showed up! Even the one who didn't work ended up shopping there and coming through my till. :) I don't think I'm really going to miss the work per se, but I'm definitely going to miss my coworkers! The philosopher who was always coming up with new theories, my best work friend with whom I kind of went insane last night, the cool older cousin stoner coworker (who has an adorable daughter and whose Instagram I got last night to see the kid photos >-<) and the cool aunt coworker who also works at Sephora!

We even got free doughnuts again that night because they got a new set of stock in! Not sure of the correlation but hey, a free doughnut is a free doughnut, LOL.

I also went to my coworker's apartment the other day and we watched The Osbournes! Nobody in that family acts like a real person, first of all, and I really hope they played their personalities up for the camera.

I'm pretty thankful for my job. First of all, it's definitely better than McDonald's, and my supervisors are pretty chill, and of course even if the job itself wasn't super fun, the coworkers made it fun. :) it's been pretty epic!

And that's about it--I'm off to go visit my cousins and my grandparents! toodles :D

My fellow Dreamwidther lovelyangel put it well, saying that she feels besieged. I never realized what my current feeling was! But no, my room has been suffering, for one. I'm working extra hours this week, mostly four-hour shifts, five days straight, because apparently I'm the only evening cashier that didn't ask for this coming weekend off. Which is unfortunate, because my supervisor told me about that just as I was about to ask for that weekend off. I had four days in a row off last weekend--Saturday through Tuesday--but I only had one day--Monday--where I didn't have stuff to do all day, and even then I somehow ended up going out to run errands with my mum.

Saturday I did a defensive driving class in a town nearby. The local police department/highway whatever was running the show and we were using their track, but it was on some sort of military base, so we had to go through security and all! It was really freaky. But now I can say I've been on a military base! Basically, it was teaching us panic braking, how to react if we spin out on ice, etc. Fun but tiring, especially given the fact that it's stupidly hot. If anyone reading this lives up north where it's not that hot--APPRECIATE IT!

Sunday, Blue and I hung out and honestly I can't remember what else happened! I want to say we watched a movie but I can't remember which one.

Monday, I did errands and worked some on thinning out the clothes in my closet, since I have way too many.

Tuesday, after the library, my mum and I had a quick lunch at home and then Blue came over! We watched The Beautician and the Beast--a really good movie! And then we played Wii Music and swiped on my dating apps together--but the dating thing is a story for another time.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get on HRT and on ADHD meds as soon as I can, I have to work a lot, I have to figure out when to hang out with my friends (which is like putting a damn jigsaw puzzle together with all our schedules), and I have to get my room in good shape, thin out my closet, and start packing and buying textbooks for school. AGH! I need a few days to crash out, honestly. I thought summer was supposed to be relaxing! But I can never get in bed until near midnight and so I'm tired all the time. I think I might have to work less next summer... Oh, and I'm also trying to coordinate my study abroad, which I really want to do, but I haven't done my application yet because of time! Maybe I work on that this afternoon--if I have time. Or maybe I just veg out and/or nap. God knows I need it.

Okay, just a bit of dating--some guy came through my till last night to ask me out! He just asked if I wanted to go out for coffee--I guess he found my cute and asked me out on a whim. I've never actually been asked out before! Well, I'm talking to this guy on-line and we've agreed that when I'm in his city we're going to go on a date. Which brings me to my next thing--I'm talking to too many guys--it's overwhelming! But I think I have a better crop than last time this happened, at least. Still, even if most of them are nice, I just... don't find most of them all that attractive? Maybe I'll have better luck when I'm abroad and hopefully in a big city. This small-town lack of options is not cutting it for someone whose dating pool is already small to begin with since I'm trans.

So yes, I'm quite besieged. God grant me a better week next week--and a heck of a lot more rest!

I have a little bit over an hour before I have to slog off to work again. After that, I have tomorrow (Saturday) through Tuesday off, but then I work five days straight next week. Unless I start until 6 (which thankfully is the case for most days next week) I feel like I don't have have pretty much any actual... day, if that makes sense? I honestly think it might be nicer to work earlier mornings so I'd have an entire afternoon and evening ahead of me after work. Maybe I'll try that next summer!

But it doesn't really feel like I've had much of a life outside of work this past week. Today I had an eye appointment, yesterday I had a hair appointment, and the day before that I had... some appointment I can't remember. I want to work more on my hobbies--especially on my site/blog--for the rest of the summer but I can't figure out what to do. I don't have as much energy this week--I think that's one of the big problems. I keep on getting in bed late and/or having trouble getting to sleep. This happens a lot in the summer for some reason. Last night I was overthinking... something? I remember now: I'm talking to another guy post-Josh. Well, actually, he and I started talking ages ago but kind of drifted apart since we're both quite busy people. But after the whole Josh Ghosting Thing, after I started picking up the pieces, I realized I wanted to reach back out to this guy. (I won't share his name for privacy's sake.) He and I have been calling quite a lot, and I like him. My heart isn't fluttering quite as much as it was the first time round, but I feel more like I'm sticking to him somehow. We live in different parts of the country, but we've already agreed that if we're ever in the same place we're going to go on a date. :)

It feels way different to how it felt with Josh. This new guy is a lot busier so he doesn't have as much time to give me little bits of attention throughout the day, which is honestly a bummer because I kind of thrive on that. (Hence my overthinking last night--I'm worrying that I might be too clingy! I get kind of anxious when I go a a day without him texting me.) But at the same time, he likes to call a lot more, and even though I had more interests in common with Josh, I feel like this current guy and I almost connect more, like we're more on the same page, I guess. I don't really think we would've reconnected if there weren't something there... unless I was just desperate for male attention, which I really hope isn't the case. I especially don't want him to feel like a second choice or a rebound or anything--I don't want to do that to anyone.

But now I want to stick to this guy, almost stubbornly, I feel. I like him, I like talking to him, and I'm looking forward to an in-person date at this point. :) So let's hope that happens soon!

Anyways, I'm going to try and go to sleep early tonight and take some melatonin so I sleep well. And over my long weekend, I'm going to try and get some good work done on my closet decluttering. At this point, all I have left to do is sort through my clothes and pick which ones to get rid of! And then I'll have more time to work on hobbies, like my site and trying to write a good song!

P.S. Work is really pissing me off today! Any shift of 6 hours or more means I get two breaks, whereas for less than that I honestly get one. And guess how long I'm working tonight? Five hours and forty-five minutes. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE?!?

OK, well, I have to be at work in half an hour. I thankfully have significantly less hours this week compared to last week, which will be useful for, I don't know, the on-line class that's been crammed into five weeks? I feel even worse than before for my poor friends who work during the semester on top of being full-time students--God only knows how they do it. I worked eight hours on Friday and again on Saturday, so I was exhausted all day yesterday and I'm completing some assignments from last week for my class down to the freaking wire--and I haven't even started on this week's stuff. I'm going to be insanely glad once this class is over--only two weeks to go!

Meanwhile, I still haven't learned to do a messy bun. I was going to today before work, but I don't have time now. AGH. And DAMMIT! I just realized I forgot to make the phone calls I had to make today to A) my school's study abroad office to work stuff out and B) my doctor to schedule an appointment that I'm pretty sure I'm overdue for. And so that gets punted off to tomorrow, when I meant to have it done like a week ago. I love summer, and the way you don't have to do much--but when I do have to do something, i resent it all the more. Anyways, I'm off to go trudge myself off to work. Maybe I should be more grateful--after all, I'm only working in a grocery store, not a fast food restaurant. I don't have to rush through hot kitchens and come home smelling like oil. I suppose I have it pretty well off--let's hope I can remember that tonight!

P.S. I WILL make a post about VERIVERY in Boys Planet, etc., soon. Mark my word! This is me holding myself accountable.

I'll post about my busy last few days later, but for now, I have to go back to work this afternoon! D:

Last summer I worked as a cashier at a local grocery store, and I'm back on my grind or whatever (ugh) this summer. I'll be working for more of the summer, so at least I'll have more money, but I'm still dreading it. I mean, I know it won't be as bad as I'm imagining it, but I just wish I could have more time to relax, you know? I guess it's probably because I have this on-line bio class, too. And I don't know if I already said this, but they scheduled me for a couple hours outside of my availability this coming Saturday, and when the manager asked if that was okay on the phone I said "okay" without really considering it. So I'll have to rectify that soon, and in the meantime try and pass my shift tonight as best as I can. I just... ugh, you know? I've just got to think of all the k-pop albums this could buy me or whatever. Pray for me, people!