I'm Insecure, Don't Know What For -_-
Oct. 17th, 2025 09:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
purplehello98This has been such a busy week! I meant to blog Tuesday but forgot, and I don't even remember what happened Tuesday. Wednesday was pretty good for all intents and purposes---I had a nice, long, chatty lunch with Auburn (fellow K-pop club member and one of my best friends), a study session with another friend, and finally dinner with my friend Forest. But for some reason, I felt really socially insecure when normally that would make me feel socially satisfied. This is a recurring problem---I find it hard to feel like I'm actually someone's friend even if they're one of my best friends. I constantly think my friends secretly hate my behind my back and/or are only putting up with me for XYZ reason. And I feel frustrated because, for whatever reason, in pretty much all my friendships I tend to be the planner, the one that's proposing stuff to do. It's relatively rare that a lot of these people come to me and ask "hey, do you wanna come over on X day?" or anything like that. And it's depressing.
I even have some people I thought were my friends that I'm beginning to doubt---namely, two people I'm in a club with that constantly act all bestie-bestie "you should come over to my apartment tonight" with a certain mutual friend in front of me, and then basically ignore me, when I thought we were all (with the addition of a couple others) a friend group. I get the "you should totally come over sometime" if I kind of hint that I'd like to, but that's not the same, and I'm not going to invite myself where I don't feel wanted. And I have other mutual friends with these people, and whenever I'm with them all, at lunch or something, I feel like they're very clearly prioritizing their other friend(s) over me. I'm just sick of it.
And I've been busy. I was working on a paper outline for my education class until 11 Wednesday night, without even having showered or anything, so I got in bed past 1, and I had some laundry to do last night that meant I didn't go to sleep till almost 1. I'm tired, and I have a whole laundry list (ha ha, very punny) of crap to do.
So basically, I'm stressed, tired, and oddly lonely for some reason, and feel like I have relatively few people I can rely on. Blue is one, but he's busy enough I don't want to bother him; my mum is one; the guy I've been seeing is one; and I have some friends here I feel kine of borderline about.
What do I do???
And now I'm off to do some homework... ugh.
I even have some people I thought were my friends that I'm beginning to doubt---namely, two people I'm in a club with that constantly act all bestie-bestie "you should come over to my apartment tonight" with a certain mutual friend in front of me, and then basically ignore me, when I thought we were all (with the addition of a couple others) a friend group. I get the "you should totally come over sometime" if I kind of hint that I'd like to, but that's not the same, and I'm not going to invite myself where I don't feel wanted. And I have other mutual friends with these people, and whenever I'm with them all, at lunch or something, I feel like they're very clearly prioritizing their other friend(s) over me. I'm just sick of it.
And I've been busy. I was working on a paper outline for my education class until 11 Wednesday night, without even having showered or anything, so I got in bed past 1, and I had some laundry to do last night that meant I didn't go to sleep till almost 1. I'm tired, and I have a whole laundry list (ha ha, very punny) of crap to do.
So basically, I'm stressed, tired, and oddly lonely for some reason, and feel like I have relatively few people I can rely on. Blue is one, but he's busy enough I don't want to bother him; my mum is one; the guy I've been seeing is one; and I have some friends here I feel kine of borderline about.
What do I do???
And now I'm off to do some homework... ugh.
